Sweet Resume Outline

1. The Heading. This is one of the only sections where it is in your favor to tell the truth because it outlines your contact information. All those employers who are going to pay you a zillion dollars to do something you are not qualified for, and will be calling you 24 hours a day, begging you to work for them, need to know how to find you.

Kev Mo (your name is supposed to go here, idiot)
Street address
City, State
Zip code (so they can mail you all your riches)
Telephone (for begging purposes)
Email (to show you at least know what a computer is)

2. The Objective. You have to let the employer know which job you want for some reason. Maybe because he or she can not remember all the positions available. It usually looks something like this.

Objective: Head person in charge of shit

3. Education. If you have any, mention it. If all you have is grade school, why are you writing a resume? And how? Can you read this right now? If you have a high school education it is a gray area as to whether you should mention it or not. I suppose it is important to let people know that you barely scraped by through one of the most remedial forms of education that there is, on the off chance that you do get hired do work with something sharp, or shiny, so that you would not be allowed to. Best thing to do? Get a god damn college degree. At the very least it might help you think that you know what you are talking about.

The University of Bumfuck, Bumfuck, BF 9/02 - 5/05

Bachelor of crap with a concentration in irrelevant shit and a minor in ass kissing
3.0 G.P.A.
3.5 Degree G.P.A.

If relevant, pop in this little doozy, just to let those employers know that you, unknowingly to them, slept through, but at least attended, classes that could have contained possible relevant information.

Related Courses:
Shit 101-the art of talking out of my ass
Shit 102-the art of kissing ass
Shit 103-the art of taking shit

4. Work Experience. If you are wondering what to put here, get a fucking job. Work at some crappy place so at least you have something to put here. If, in your majestic life, you have actually worked somewhere decent, put it down. And if you have graced the presence of more than one place that required more of you than sitting for $3 per hour and picking your nose, then do what comes naturally to all that experience, and pick the best ones. Usually about four of them at the most. I am sure that you would love to rattle off all the terrible jobs that you have had but do not because no one’s attention span is that long. I do not believe too many people could get through more than four of these and still have the stamina for the end of it, the special interests section, where you get to really let lose.
Here are guidelines for writing of your job experience, broken down into lines.
The first line mentions the name of the place or company you wasted your time with, the state it was in, and how long you wasted your time there.
The second line mentions the best title you can come up with for your menial position. If you performed a task once but it was the only thing you did other than pick your nose, that was your job.
The third line mentions what your responsibilities were. Here is where it gets really interesting. As I mentioned before, if you worked 8 hours a day, picked your nose for 7 hours and 59 minutes of that time but the last minute you actually bothered to say “what’s up” to your friend who came by to see how the nose picking was going, your responsibility for that job was public relations.

Uncle JOJO’s crap shack, Bumfuck, BF, 2/08 - fucking forever
Head shit taker, head shit eater
Responsibilities included extensive taking of shit, the ability to work with shit under shitty circumstances, in a shitty place.

Repeat 4 times

4. Special Interests.
This one is amazing in its possibilities. There is no limit to what you can say here. Just make shit up. Did mommy take you on a trip to London when you were 6 months old? Extensive experience in international travel. Have you produced a complete sentence even once in your life? Accomplished communicator. Have you played Nintendo? Working knowledge of electronic equipment. The lies and the distance you can bend the truth can be spectacular if you want them to be. Just go on and on for a little while about how hot of a shit you are in your mind and I believe that you too will be able to create a wonderful special interests section. Remember to stretch that truth.

If you can condense all your bullshit into one page, you have a resume. You have lied through your teeth, proclaimed yourself the undisputed ideal employee candidate of the universe and best thing in the known world, and exercised your creativity to appease some sick fuck who holds your life in his or her hands and would revel in crushing it like a small, easily crushable thing. Those things are the most accurate job requirements that exist.